08.09
(+92 rating, 114 votes)
Loading ...My Worst Secret is…
2 years ago I got myself into a bad financial situation. I spent all my money and then spent a lot of money I didn’t have and had $20,000 in credit card debt. I was 2o years old and just stupid. I had a friend that had moved to LA a few years before who had gotten into the industry. She was aware of my situation and had been telling me the crazy amounts of money you could make out there. When she moved there I thought she was a slut for getting into porn. I mean, no one normal gets into porn right? That was my thought in the beginning. I resisted her when she told me I could make a lot of money quickly if I got into porn.
As my situation didn’t improve I started considering it. I would ask her questions and she got me in touch with a couple producers that she had met. I couldn’t think of anything else that would help so I started talking to them. We worked out doing a few scenes so I flew out to LA from Detroit for a week. I did 2 scenes in my first 2 days there. Purely by chance, I met a few other people (agents, producers, etc) who were able to get me into several more scenes that week. Altogether, I did 10 scenes in the week I was there. I was able to to pay off most of my bills from my “work” that week and I returned home.
In my scenes I did things I would NEVER have considered otherwise: 3somes with guys, lesbian scenes, anal, foot fetish stuff, black guys, school girl stuff…there’s more. Emotionally I couldn’t handle all of it. I cried myself to sleep every night that week. I felt absolutely horrible and like a nasty cheap slut. Somehow, I maintained composure in my scenes and never broke down or anything. Before I went to LA, I had only slept with 3 guys and they had all been my boyfriends. I hadn’t experimented or broadened my horizons at all. I didn’t even recognize myself at the end of that. I flew back home and went back to my life and I haven’t told anyone…ever.
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now ya have, you gone and told the internet.
any links to where I can see them? esp. the school girl stuff. thxbi
You, sir! win the internet!
Don’t be such a prude. You made money having sex. Feeling bad about that is hypocrisy, since you’re already socially and genetically engineered to do that on a more personal scale. You got your bills paid. You should be happy about that.
Wow, don’t be such a jack ass. She is not genetically modified to be taken advantage of. She did not want to do this. It made her feel used, which is what she was.
We can all get paid for being objectifed, raped and ruined. You should be happy you don’t have to. Jackass.
No one forced her to do this, there are other ways to get money, including living within your means, consolidating your debt, declaring bankruptcy, etc. She did this because as she said, she was 20, and stupid. I agree that the porn industry has more power than the individual, simply because there are so many stupid 20 year olds, however saying they used her seems excessive. Claiming that the porn industry raped and ruined her is ridiculous. She had no pimp who would beat her if she didn’t perform, no drug habit she felt helpless to stop (presumably), no sick relatives desperate for the money. She simply had too much credit card debit. I agree that “A Wise Man”’s statement that all women are whores certainly wasn’t appropriate, but all women aren’t powerless victims either.
you really think the only victims in the world are those that were forced or coerced. The reality is that very few victims are physically forced to be victims. The vast majority are simply people who were taken advantage of. You sound like typical internet libertarians who act like as long as we have individual rights everything will be okay.
If you have the rights, you have no excuse not to exercise them. The only argument against libertarianism is a desire not to be personally responsible for your actions, aka immaturity.
The fact of the matter is that she could have simply not done it. If she was taken advantage of then basically every working stiff is being taken advantage of. I see nothing that separates what a porn star, or a prostitute for that matter, does for a living than the rest of us do. We’re all basically selling our services.
She used men, she was not used. She got $20000 off a bunch of basement-dwelling losers (indirectly) without so much as a kiss.
Taken advantage of? She earned the better part of $20,000 in one week. She knew what she was being asked to do, and she chose to do so as an adult with a clear (I assume she wasn’t impaired by drugs or alcohol) mind.
My employers ask me to do things that I don’t especially want to (show up at the prescribed times, stay all day, etc.), but I choose to do so because I value the money they pay me and the people I work with. My employer uses me, I use them, and it’s mutually beneficial.
She did not enjoy what she did, but went back day after day without a gun being held to her head. Now she feels remorse for the things she participated in, and I respect those feelings. Don’t turn her into a victim. Sometimes I regret getting married, but that doesn’t make my wife a violator or exploiter.
And I would say that she has not been ruined, unless she allows regret to ruin her life. Some people really have suffered appalling conditions. A girl in Congo who has been kept as a sex slave by rebel fighters, for example. This isn’t that.
Poor understanding of the human condition.
ummm actually I think maharg has a much better understanding than you
“I did things I would NEVER have considered otherwise: [...], black guys, [...]”
So you’re a slut AND a racist.
And you’re just some random asshole who thinks he has the moral high ground just because you’re anonymous
Yeah… His name is john; anonymous is on 4chan.
John said: “I did [...] black guys [...] a slut AND a racist.”
Wow, you’re right, it’s amazing the conclusions you can draw by changing their context entirely!
he pointed out one item out of her list of things she said she would have never considered. how is that out of context?
So anyone who has a personal preference for the ethnicity of their sexual partners is a racist?
Well, I’m half black and half white, with whist skin. One of my best friends is of Indian descent and another is Asian.
I have a preference for slim asian chicks, don’t much like most white girls, and couldn’t really see myself ever screwing a black chick, they just don’t turn me on.
So yeah, guess I’d better be looking up my local KKK….
Yes, I think most people are racist. Most people will not date outside their own ethnicity. So what?
maybe you’re not aware of what “black guys” means in the pron industry…
hahahaha exactly right
Oh I’m sure she is racist now. If you’ve ever seen one of the monster black cock videos. She probably got reamed mercilessly. She will never be the same.
Well I guess everybody who isn’t bisexual is a sexist.
haha i laughed out loud when i read that. but then again, i don’t like porn with black guys so maybe i’m a racist
no just most white chicks dont like nasty black guys
You aren’t a slut, you are a prostitute.
Maybe now you’ll be able to empathize with people we label and dismiss.
Please post links to your scenes, at least port a still into photoshop and black out your face
I like how there are a bunch of comments degrading someone for being honest. The author was just being honest. She got into debt and, in our society, took one of the quick ways out. I have to give her credit for at least being responsible enough to take care of it. Mind, I think there are better ways, but that’s how it works.
Kudos for having the guts to at least say it. I hope things are working out better for you now.
This is the internet, where most people go to be entertained not to empathize. If it must be at the expense of other people, then so be it.
Honesty is not RESET. Other people get a job. Other people with integrity I mean. But she never heard of this word anyway.
You only feel bad about it because you were taught to feel bad about it.
Break out of your mind prison. There is joy in freedom.
I’d suggest you read other accounts by porn actresses. I believe there’s also a blog where prostitutes can tell something about themselves and their work, as well. Just google it and you should find it.
Sex is not wrong. Feeling bad about sex IS wrong.
“sex” and porn are not the same thing wolter
Sex and porn are the same thing. One is filmed, the other one is… well… also filmed these days.
You’re such a fucking idiot Wolter. When reading this account, your mind stopped working at sex. I hope you marry a woman like her and find out 20 years later when your daughter is sucking 3 guys. But that won’t bother you, cause feeling bad about sex is wrong. You will feel proud of your rag.
this sounds like some bs to me. I’m gonna call bs on this one.
Sure doesn’t sound like BS to me. I’ve worked in porn on and off since the 90s and I’ve seen this play out a number of times, just like she says. A lot of the “barelylegal” type chicks are just exactly like this girl.
Don’t feel bad about it, girl.
In the future, when you date, and you find a guy who truly loves you, I promise he won’t care… He may get upset at first, but should calm down, and accept that ‘young and stupid’ covers an awful lot of mistakes. Hope all goes well for you.
(I can promise he won’t care, because it didn’t bother me one speck when my girlfriend at the time confessed the same thing)
No. Don’t ever tell any future boyfriends about this. Maybe after you have been married for like 10 years, but this is kind of thing could seriously turn a guy’s love into disgust. I think it should be your secret, and hope nobody you know ever sees the videos and recognizes you.
What kind of advice is that? I mean… Really. You’re saying that she should lie about herself in order to get married. And then HOPEFULLY he won’t know what she did… I would file for a divorce right away, not because she did porn, but because she didn’t tell me about it. You cannot build a marriage from deceit, someone that lies to you does not love you.
You did what you had to do to get out of the problem you were facing, there is NOTHING wrong with doing porn; it’s just a job. There is no moral involved, get it through your head. All the people that say “granted, there are other ways” are fucking idiots. There is nothing degrading in what you did. Absolutely nothing. You did things that you normally wouldn’t do, but that doesn’t make you a whore. All the things you listed as things that made you feel bad about it (the feet thing, schoolgirl, etc.) are things that a lot of people do to complement their sexual lives. All the people that have sex and aren’t creative about it, are people that are missing out.
You had the chance to experience it for yourself and decided that it wasn’t your thing. Most people don’t even try, and you see them frustrated and unhappy because they never took any risks.
You didn’t like it, you don’t have to do it again. Leave it all behind you and go on with your life. Be honest about it with the people you meet, and someone that really loves you will understand and not give you shit about it. If they walk away, they are not worth it, they are the kind of people that wouldn’t stand by you in your worse moments, and that is NOT love. DO NOT LIE TO THEM, IF YOU DO, THEY WOULD BE FALLING IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE THAT IS NOT YOU.
So, be happy that you got out of debt, be happy that you made it out without being lured in by the drugs and partying, and feel proud of that, a lot of people don’t have the character to get out in time. You are a respectable person, do not forget that.
No joke, all those years I could have been wanking to my younger wife on film, and she didn’t tell me? To the curb, bitch.
Haha! Of course you didn’t care, because you had to fucking few options there was no chance in hell for you to date an attractive woman with her life together.
You’re such a fucking beta male. I’d swipe your girl off you in a second. Of course you wouldn’t care if you “loved her”. If a girl told me she was a pornstar I’d ask her to prove it and show me what she learned and then I’ll show her I care by congratulating her with some creamy treats.
link?
It was your choice to do it… good. Hope you feel bad. You should!
Now you’ll always have a huge cloud of regret over you for the rest of your life – or will you? You chose to do it because you needed the money. Sure, it probably sucked. Sure, you’ll never be able to tell a future B/F or whatever, and you’ll always be a porn slut. But you paid off your bills, didn’t you? Slut.
wow… what on earth makes someone write something like that. get a life
It was your choice to do it… good. Hope you feel bad. You should!
Now you’ll always have a huge cloud of regret over you for the rest of your life – or will you? You chose to do it because you needed the money. Sure, it probably sucked. Sure, you’ll never be able to tell a future B/F or whatever, and you’ll always be a porn slut. But you paid off your bills, didn’t you? Slut.
O NO…BLACK GUYS
racist prick i hope that black guy made your shit a reddish brown for months after the incident
there’s nothing racist about this.. you don’t know what ‘black guys’ means
What a vivid memory you have greg… was it reddish brown for you as well?
Oh, man. Reading this made me very sad. We’re all so judgmental in this country, and our attitudes toward sex are extremely distorted. Even nudity freaks us out, let alone sex. When you call someone a slut, what are you really saying? What is the root of the accusation? We’ve moved beyond the ancient period in time where the tribe was jeopardized by a woman who did not know whose baby she was carrying. Religion has never offered a substantive and enduring basis for why women should be judged for having sex. Calling someone a slut doesn’t even make any sense anymore. The reasons behind these outdated, irrelevant viewpoints are never addressed, they’re simply taken for granted, used to oppress people over time, used to induce fear. In a better and more empathic society, the accuser would stop to think critically and intelligently about what he/she is “contributing” to the world, and what the purpose of it is.
But that will never happen, so the alternative is to create your own world, within yourself, that is self-protective and self-loving. Don’t entertain even for a moment the insulting and judgmental voices of anyone, whether it is an individual or a group of individuals (especially on the internet, where every asshole is so brave in his or her anonymity), who tell you that you are not valuable, or worthy of happiness and love, or that you did something wrong, or that you’re stupid, or that you deserve to feel bad. Don’t listen to them, don’t listen to them, for god’s sake do not listen to them. You didn’t break the law (not that I believe every law is infallible, but I believe it’s worth noting here), you didn’t hurt anyone. Your choices have obviously upset your conscience and caused you to question yourself, but you know why you made the decision, you know who you are, and you don’t need to ask for anyone’s acceptance or permission. Be strong and be brave, and tell everyone who points a finger at you to turn it right back around at themselves, where it belongs. Be proud, too. Nobody else has lived your life or been through the exact same experiences and sets of circumstances as you. Nobody has walked in your shoes. If you feel you’ve stumbled or made a mistake along the way, my advice is to embrace it, because in the process you’ll be embracing yourself, and that is the best protection against losing yourself to the shallow opinions of strangers who have never had and could never have the capacity to even remotely understand another person.
If I sound like a hippie, forgive me, I’m not. But to me, this is sensitive stuff that should be treated very carefully. The internet is a great way to generate discussion, but we should all know by now that the bad outnumber the good. Be ridiculously, unbelievably, insanely kind to yourself because you’ve been through a hell of a lot. And ignore the negative comments on here, for the love of god.
I agree with your conclusion Karin but not with your reasoning. I think she wanted the excitement. I think that her lifestyle (blowing a ton of money) and the company she kept (she already knew a friend in the industry) and the fact that she’d moved to LA when she was 20 and she had time to mull over her decision. I think it excited her, like she hadn’t been before. I think Detroit was boring and humdrum and her constant need for stimulation drove her to this. She eventually claims to regret it but I think that can easily be turned around in ones mind as a learning experience and something that she tried and then successfully moved on from. She never considered trying all that stuff but I bet in physically excited her and she just didn’t anticipate the emotional dissonance. So shes out, and good for her, I hope she handles her issues. But I guarantee you, she won’t be able to settle for some vanilla man again, she’ll still need that extra stimulation, that raw energy, from someone a bit daring, charismatic, and well… a little bit risky.
and by the way, is your name Swedish?
A lot of sexist comments here, I noticed. You got out of there. You did fine.
Vids or it didn’t happen!
Hey honey, this is Tom from the set. You did great in our scene together. Mindless Whore Cunt Rampaging IV is gonna be a blockbuster hit!!
If you’re still in a lot of pain over this, consider getting some counseling from a mental health professional.
Your comment about black guys does seem bigoted. You might consider getting some help with that issue too.
This is not something you have to share with a boyfriend or even a husband. A good counselor can help you figure out what’s appropriate. Get to work on getting yourself healed.
Good luck
So she’s not sexually attracted to black guys. Who cares? That’s not racist. I’m not sexually attracted to black girls; does that make me racist?!?!
I said it seemed bigoted, and it does. You know if you’re a racist or not; I don’t care. Not being attracted to someone because of race sounds bigoted. Give the attempts at victim-hood a rest.
I’m not attracted to redheads either. Does that make me hair-ist?
vids or it didn’t happen
Nice story bro.
I call BS.
Ah that’s life. Laugh it off. You’ve got to be able to laugh at yourself.
Believe me lots of women have done worse, and gotten themselves killed in the process. Chin up.
Vids or it didn’t happen!
WE WANT VIDEOS!
At least post some titles.
Please ignore all the assholes
To the rest of you: you should be ashamed of yourselves…
Ignore these idiots. It is no one’s business but your own. Most of the people calling you names are probably religious guys that dress up in women’s underwear and let their wives whip them because they can’t get it up otherwise.
Black Guys Too! Oh my god. The only thing you can do now is take a hot bath filled with bleach.
Remeber “A closed mouth gathers no feet.”
This is definitely a fake story, it’s obvious from how it ends.
Anyone doing any kind of film never expects it to be secret, in fact it’s quite the opposite.
But without that conclusion it would be nowhere near as interesting.
wow most you guys are harsh. no compassion whatsoever (exceptions noted). you never did anything you regret in your life? you’re perfect and clean and righteous? fuck off.
to author: you’ll find a guy who really loves you and will forgive you, or will not even judge you. good luck to you.
Why is capitalism evil again? Oh yeah…
SOLIDARITY
Join the movement, girl. I can think of no better reason.
There are men out there, that don’t think too much of this.
Sure, it was a stupid thing you did, getting in debt like that, and the solution you chose is complicated and you’re living through the consecuences. But you’ve learned a life lesson, it really seems, and that’s a good thing.
Be sure to find a man that can understand this and that can even laugh a little about what you did. If it weren’t for the hardcore content it’s one of those funny stupid things we do when we’re young that we can tell our grandchildren about it, just wait until they’re 18-20, but before they get into debt themselves.
Good luck to you.
She was not that young and that stupid to have $20,000 in credit card debt out of the blue. It was coming at her for a long time so she was just waiting for a disaster spending some more. If I was in $20,000 debt I would put myself crying because of THAT. Sounds like a very lame excuse to me.
Shame on you girl. Ever heard of a decent extra job or so?
HEY, after two weeks of inserting enything and enyone in your body holes, I do not see the reason why did you STOPED?? You are already crossed all moral limites, you can not get back yours inocent life before, so KEEP ON, do not stop now, try some DP, some bukake, and animals, be yourself and get the money, who fuck the others, you are going to have wonderfull sex life and a lot`s of money. Maybe get some Aids, or Hepatitis C, but hey , even Pamela Anderson have that!?!? Maybe you die becouse of cocaine or heroine, but even that is bether then a death in the car factory or a cold mine in the night shift, after 45 years of hard work.Do not apologize to nobody, grab the life for a balls and ride on it baby !!!
I am just waiting for the time, when my state is going to rich the financial bottom.
That will be the time for me to start making the domestical porn in my country, it is going to be a lot`s of poor young girls, hugry for cash, to abuse them in porn and join the Devil`s army on the Earth properly. Anyway, there is not a moral in real life, it is only a religion`s lie to keep people in common peace, like sheeps. Look at the church, a lot`s of pedofiles and stuff-they know the truth, so they do not care about Hell and other bullshit…..The human body is only like train station, for a this life only, so it just doesn`t mather, abuse it, while is still fresh.
lol, you’re a slut. you should give your 20k to someone who deserves it and kill yourself. you won’t be able to have a meaningful relationship with that sort of baggage.
I am floored that you can make 20K in a week by doing porn. I thought there were so many girls in the business that you may get 200-500 per scene, not 1-2K.
Now my wife is all over the place, telling me I should get into gay porn and make some serious bucks. But my sphincter is sensitive, so I think I’ll stick to the modest lifestyle of the voyeur…
I still wanna see the vids
yeah me 2!
I looked up and down these comments for links to the videos. FML (oops, wrong site)
Very interesting information.
i say it’s board unapproachable kt,
Never try to drown your troubles