My Worst Secret

My Worst Secret Is…

I live out in a rural area.  The neighborhood probably has about 20 houses in it.  My neighbor across the street has a dog that he lets out and for some reason everytime he is out he comes and shits on my lawn.  I didn’t mind the first couple of times but after that I started getting pissed off everytime that dog would come over.  I confronted him about it and he insists that it isn’t his dog.  I was very nice and said ok.

Now instead of cleaning it up and putting the shit in the garabage, I become creative in where to put it.  I have put it infront of his mailbox, on his walkway, and by the garage, only hoping he steps in it.  For the past 2 weeks I have found the perfect place, on his roof.  How much dog shit can go up on a roof and sit there in the heat before he wonders wtf?  I feel so much better when I launch that shit and hear it hit on top of his house.  I wonder what happens next year when he is up putting up Christmas lights thinking how the hell did dog shit get up on his roof.  I hope he confronts me and I will tell him, “its not my dog.”

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My Worst Secret Is…

I can’t help it. Why clip my toenails and fingernails if I can bite them off and relieve stress at the same time?

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My Worst Secret Is…

When I was a kid growing up in a small town down south we didn’t really watch television too much because our parents would kick us out of the house in the mornings and tell us to come back at night.  It was a cheap way for babysitting during the summer when we were out of school to just let us roam the woods and lakes and play with friends.  Our favorite times during the summer would be when we could stock up on firecrackers around 4th of July make our own homemade bombs.  In the swamps and lakes we found lots of toads and frogs and would catch them for our “death race”.  We would make little bombs from all the powder of the fireworks and strap them to the backs of the frogs.  Then all the boys in the group picked their frog and put them in the race.  We would line up the frogs with a long fuse on their backs about 30 feet from the lake.  We lit the fuses and let them all go at the same time.  Now if they got to the lake in time the fuse would go out and they wouldn’t blow up, but there were times that frogs didn’t move or wouldn’t go towards the water quick enough and then we got to see a big explosion of frog guts.  I miss those days of summer with the friends and blowing up frogs!!

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My Worst Secret Is….

Last summer I lost my job which eventually led to me losing the apartment I was living in.  It was a complete change of lifestyle for me as I have never been out of a job or didn’t have a place to sleep at night.  Being that my family doesn’t live in this country I wasn’t able to go home and live with them and I was too embarrassed to tell them what happened.  I went to a shelter but they didn’t always have room for me there so some nights I was in the parks.  It wasn’t too bad because I was in California and it wasn’t too cold at night.  I was sleeping one morning and I woke up to a group of teenagers circled around me.  They were laughing but as I hadn’t eaten in a couple of days I didn’t really have the energy to get confrontational.  I asked them what they wanted….and one kid was just messing around and said I want to Piss on you….I kind of laughed at him and told him to fuck off.   They kept standing there for a little bit and I was too tired to keep yelling at them…he asked again if he could Pee on Me.  I told him $25 and I would let him do it.  We went back to an alleyway across the street so other people in the park couldn’t see it.  The other kids got out a video camera and taped him peeing on my head and face.  It was the worst thing that I have ever done.  Its sad to think the things we will do when we have nothing.  Since then I have gotten a decent job and got back into an apartment so I don’t have to do those things for food money anymore thank god.

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My worst secret is…

I was in my friends wedding and was dating one of the bridesmaids at the time.  They were out on their bachlorette party and I got a drunk text from her.  They were talking about how it would be fun to have a threesome but didn’t think that her husband would want to join or be a part of it.  They ended up calling me.  I did show up and they were extremely drunk and ready.  Needless to say that was a one time thing and her husband/my friend has not a clue.

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